Dear Matt.

Written August 8th

I love you.
Happy one year anniversary (if you are still with me over there in America). I met you on August 8th 2009 before my first year and your last year of high school. To be honest I don’t know if we are still together or not even though I would like to think so. Anyway, if we are still together then I am happy to say we made it through everything and everyone who said ‘no’ and all the hard times just like these, we made it! And I still love you.
When I first saw you it was one year ago at that shitty skate park we live by and I was interested. . . I don’t know why but I was sure as hell that you were different from all the others. I saw you and I wanted to know all the ‘whats’ ‘whys’ ‘when’ ‘how’ about every part of your life. I didn’t give a shit about those other scummy guys like Michael or Sean or Lucas or any of the other dozen guys sitting under that tree, you were interesting to me. You were different, you were special, even when you said you were 22 years old (liar, you are 19!) I knew that somehow we were going to gravitate toward each other, one way or another. . . If I take the time to think about it I would have to say that our fates for the time being will be tangled together. I could be seriously wrong but only time will tell. There are so many, too many times when our paths didn’t have to cross, at the park, when I was running home, at the beach. There are so many times our relationship could have been considered over and we would never see each other again but there you were, their you were driving by as I was on a run, their you were walking down the beach with your friends, and their you were so many times. And even though it sounds stupid or ridiculous or even crazy, I had a feeling inside me, a magnetic feeling maybe, of something falling or even pushed into place and I would run into you. Lovely, beautiful, brown eyed you. ♥
I love you Matt. I love you despite everything and everyone. I promised you that I would never give up even if you did, and the times that you were on the cusp I could always bring you back to me. I knew and know pretty much how you feel and I know that if I were you I would have given up a long time ago and that’s why I never quit on you, on us. After every fight and every harsh word I knew we didn’t really mean to hurt each other and it was just that we cared for each other so much, maybe a little too much at times. I know we fight and argue because we care and if something ever happened it would be shattering, or that is how I feel at least.
I remember the time we fought behind the gym after school. I don’t remember what it was about and I don’t really care. I just remember grabbing your face and looking into your eyes and saw the tears that you were trying to hide in your big brown eyes and I remember smiling and pulling you into me letting myself cry too. Seeing those tears roll down your cheeks made me smile because I t made me realize that you cared so much about me and that you were afraid you would lose me. “I’m sorry,” you said to me, “I love you and I just don’t want to ever lose you.” I know how much you didn’t want to let me see you cry but you did and it was in those tears I realized you really loved me and that I wasn’t just a game to you.
I’m sorry though, I’m sorry that I ever came into your life and fucked it up. Sometimes I even wish I had never met you at that crummy park or seen your Cherokee while I was running. But I’m not sorry I met you, you are and will be an important part of my life even if you become a memory. If I had to go back to the moment before you came into my life I would do it all over again, everything. Well, I would probably do it better. I might go straight up to my dad and say, “you see this guy? Yeah, well, I think I’m going to fall in love with him and there’s nothing you can do about it so please can you let me give it a try and see where it goes? Please?” Even though I can’t see that going over too well I can still see it going better than anything else.
I remember all the good times we had together during the bad times. I remember all the beautiful things you did for me during those times too I remember when you with me afterschool for my practice to start and then had to walk home in the pouring rain and during the times when that girl had been murdered you would walk me from school to where I was staying everyday and when I asked why you said it was because you wanted to make sure I got home safe and that no one would mess with me. There are so many times when you could have walked away saying enough is enough but you never did, you were always there. You even stayed when you knew you were risking the possibility of receiving a felony for being with me.
I love you soo much and I wish I was with you right now. The only comfort I have is when I look up at the stars and know we are both under the same sky.

I love You
Sam.

P.s. The sad thing is you will probably never read this letter to you. You won't even know it exists.